Finding wings to fly

Everyday I wake up and realize what a great day it is going to be. There are days that my parents are supportive on what I do and then I hear splat, like if they crush me. I just don’t understand them at all, I tell them that I want to do this and they say ok, but then I hear “just give up”. I’m a very emotional person who can not control anything, the water works begin immediately. I hate it when my parents compare me with people I do not even know, saying that they do it much better then I do. Where’s the support I need to move on with my life, I’m just being crushed everyday. I was never the bright one in the family, my brother is and he gets sometimes all the attention he wants. I’m the one who sometimes gets left in the corner. I try the best that I can be and nothing, I just wish sometimes that I had all the money in the world and move out, but I can not hold myself economically. I try to lock myself in the room and my mother comes banging the door and she thinks I’m crying when I just want some alone time. If I want a boyfriend, I can’t have him because she thinks he’s too ugly, if I want a certain type of clothes, I can’t have it because I look fat in it, if I want to wear sweatpants and a shirt at home, I can’t because I look to ugly and I’m not even going out! I try to do the best in me and to prove them wrong, but parents keep winning. I just want a peaceful life where I can breath and smile. I don’t want to hear “drop out of school, because you are going nowhere and find a job at least you will make money,” knowing that they where the ones who encourage me to go to college. Another problem I have is their car. I do not have my own so I use theirs. I had a job where I worked for five months and used half of the money for school, because my parents only payed for tuition and I had to pay for uniforms and books. What I had left over wasn’t going to be enough for a car and now I am getting blamed for my mom not having her car to go to work. Sometime I do wish I was dead, and then I realize that I can do better with myself. I do feel that my parents hate me, but then I think its a phase in life that we all have to go through. I just have to be strong and know that everything will be just fine.

-JP

Happy Birthday to the man I dearly love, John Mayer! Without him and his music, I would not know where the light is!! He has giving me an inspiration to live strong and not listen to the BS people give me. No matter what he does in life is alright with me. I know I sound stupid writing this, but I don’t give a damn so you all who are hating can kiss my Garage!!! Happy Birthday John and enjoy this day!!
Sincerely your crazy but lovable fan, JP!! ♥

Day to day I try to make my family and myself understood, but it always backfires. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been trying to avoid getting in trouble, but now that I am older, BOOM I get blamed. Its been a year and half ago that I received my license, but it seems with the constant yelling of DON’T DO THIS, YOUR ON THE OTHER LANE, or WATCH OUT isn’t enough for me. Then why drive, if they are not willing to drive themselves and having the save there words. I try my best day in and day out to drive perfectly, but no, I get blamed for hitting the car or even touching the other lane with the tire. Today I was coming back home from school and I always take the highway to avoid the traffic lights when all of a sudden I see a slash of tire in the lane I was going, I double check to see if I didn’t have a car near me to move and avoid the tire piece when out of nowhere a car barges in and moves the tire near my car and ran over it. At that moment I was panicking and  praying to God that nothing bad happen to the car. So I got home and went in, my mom asked me how my day was and I told her good, but I was afraid to tell her what happened. Soon my brother got home and my mom decided to go to the store with me and once outside, she notices what happen to the car.. like I said I though the car was fine, until we saw the front of the car. Some part of the car was on the ground and at that moment I told her what happened. She told me that at least I was safe and nothing happen to me nor anyone else. Then she told me to find some duck tape to fix the car and I did, but then she told me to wait till my dad came home…. to me that meant to hide under the bed or the closet. Soon enough my father came home and saw what happened… then the whole who taught you how to drive(he did actually), you are irresponsible… blah. blah, blah so on and so forth. Then again its not my car, its my mom’s. I try to explain, but they think its my fault, but then again they were not there to witness it. That to me is not being Understood…. what a mess my life can be… if only a miracle can happen to me soon… like at least hitting the jackpot.. then half of my problems will be resolved.

- JP

At the moment no one knows me. The only people who actually know me is my family and my two best friends, that’s all. Just that there is only one little problem that worries my family, being that I have never had a boyfriend. They ask why don’t I have one, and there is a response to that answer. My answer is simple, there is just no way I can find a descent guy in this world. Most guy’s I know just want to get in my pants without having a relationship or some type of communication. Guy’s now in days think about sex, sex, and more sex, but don’t they know that we as women have feelings.. I’m guessing not. Recently I got in argument with my uncle, he asked me how old I was, and I answered him that I was about to turn 20 in a couple of month (who knew that family so close can’t remember  your birthday), then the whole boyfriend thing came up and told him honestly that I was looking for one, but patiently. Then he dropped the bomb on me asking me if I was a lesbian and if I like girls, I told him no in an instant. Soon after he was telling me that I liked women and that I was going to be the only one in the family who can’t find a guy and be a “virgin” for the rest of my life so on and so forth, but I didn’t care of what he said, and I told him that my life is mine and not his. argument over. My mom jokes about it too saying if I like women, but she just likes to mess with my mind.. no hard feelings. Now on finding a descent man is hard for me, because men just like to hide from me. There was this guy that I liked when I was in high school. He took care of me, and asked me how everything was going and even took me to my first concert (but it was not a John Mayer concert). He was an honest man, only that he was two years younger then me, but I didn’t care he was perfect. I was going to ask him out, but I was to much of a chicken to do so… and he slipped away and now he is with another girl. He was the descent guy I was looking for, but know it’s just to late. Then the months passes by and he broke up with his girlfriend, and took me to dinner, but there I realized that he was not the one for me. If only there was someone out there who can understand how I feel. I know he is out there, but I just want to know where.